In Child Sexual Abuse, Strangers Aren't the Greatest Danger

Nigerian Parents, Please read!

Parents generally teach their children about “stranger danger” from an early age, telling them not to talk to, walk with or take gifts or candy from strangers. But statistics show danger often lurks closer to home. According to numbers provided by the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, the vast majority of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know – most often a family member, an adult the family trusts or, in some instances, another child.
Parents can help protect their children from sexual abuse by talking frankly to them about abuse, starting at a young age with age-appropriate information.
“It’s essential that parents have a continuing conversation with their children about sexual abuse,” said Kay Knaff, clinical services program manager for Youth Villages, a private nonprofit organization that helps children with emotional, behavioral and mental health issues, as well as children who have been abused or neglected. “This may seem hard to do, but it’s the best way to protect your child. It’s best to start talking to your children about child abuse as early as age 3 or 4.”

Parents should talk to their children about inappropriate touching and other forms of child abuse, and make sure their children know what behavior is right and what is wrong. In addition, Knaff said parents should teach children to say “no” to their abuser if they can, try to get away from the abuser and/or call for help so other people become aware of the situation.

“Child abuse data show that the majority of children keep abuse a secret,” Knaff said. “That means it is even more important that parents not only talk to their children about what child abuse is and emphasize that it is never the child’s fault. Abuse is always wrong, and children should report it to a trusted adult. Parents need to keep the lines of communication open and seek out their children whenever they feel like something is going on with their child or their child is behaving differently in some way from usual.”
To encourage children to report any abuse, parents should let the child know about two or three people designated as safe adults the child can talk to if he or she suffers abuse or feels unsafe.

“Children need to know who they can talk to,” Knaff said. “They also need to be encouraged to tell what happened to them to more than one person and keep telling until someone believes them and does something about it.”
Knaff also recommends parents specifically teach their children to report any touching that feels uncomfortable or wrong, even if it is by a family member, teacher, coach, pastor or church official, youth group leader or another child.
How to talk to your child about sexual abuse:
■Tell your child about good touch – a hug or a pat on the back – and bad touch, when someone is touching your private areas.
■Tell your child nobody – no family member, teacher, other child or adult – is allowed to touch him or her in the areas covered by a bathing suit because these are private areas. Exceptions are a parent bathing a young child or helping the child with using the bathroom, as well as a doctor or nurse when examining the child at a doctor’s office or health care facility.
■Tell your child he or she has permission to tell any adult who touches them in their private areas, “No!”
■Tell your child that if anyone ever touches him or her in any way in their private areas, he or she should tell mom, dad and or grandma/grandpa or another trusted person about it immediately.

Other forms of child sexual abuse are exposure to sexual acts or sexually explicit materials not intended for minors, as well as indecent exposure. Children should be encouraged to talk to the designated safe adults any time they feel unsafe.
Get help immediately
If you suspect your child has been abused, act immediately. visit the nearest police station or the nearest FIDA officeinternational Federation of women Lawyers near you.
The best thing you can do for a child who has been abused is to get the child professional help right away,” Knaff said.
### Youth Villages is a private nonprofit organization dedicated to helping emotionally and behaviorally troubled children and their families live successfully. Founded in 1986, Youth Villages helps more than 18,000 children and families each year from more than 20 states and Washington, D.C., through its Evidentiary Family Restoration ™ approach.
contributed by Youth Villages

Dear Nigerian Parents, What Will You Do To prevent Your Child from becoming the Next Victim of Child Sexual Abuse in Nigeria?

Dear Parents,

During this holiday, a lot of activities will take place amongst our children; this article will give you some tips on what you should watch out for to avoid them getting into any form of danger. Secondly, I will identify some activities that will help children enjoy the holidays.

HOME ALONE WITH NEW TECHNOLOGIES
For working parents, children are usually alone in the care of domestic staff or relatives during the holidays. Our children have lots of time at their disposal, and you know what, they hate idleness. New Technologies such as the 24 hours Cable Networks provides many channels for viewing and children have the choice of watching programmes unguarded. It is therefore necessary for parents to put up measures in order to avoid exposing children to programmes that can distort their minds.
If your child has unlimited access to the internet, then you have everything to worry about. Some children in the name of doing research or their homework browse Pornographic website. Several under aged children are signed on to popular Networking sites where they chat and make new friends. I heard one of the popular networking sites was recently hacked, and pornographic pictures are now posted into the pages of individuals. Parents must teach their children on-line safety tips by telling them not to give out their names, home address, school name, home or cell phone numbers to “online friends”. Some of these “faceless friends” could be adults or Paedophiles who want to take advantage of your child’s vulnerability. The consequences of granting children unlimited access to the internet is very severe and recovery from such is usually hard.
Children at this time are also opportune to have the GSM or land phones at their disposal. Parents must curtail the use of this device to avoid exposing their children to callers who may want to get information to perpetrate any act of evil. Instruct your children not to give out personal information to any caller without your prior knowledge.
Have you taken the pain of watching that “3-in-1” DVD you recently bought for your child? Some of these supposedly child friendly DVDs contain X-rated movies. A parent recently shared her experience during a parenting forum; she never knew the Cartoon DVD she bought for her children had two sexually-inclined cartoons. I recently heard over the news that a religious group has plans to introduce cartoons that will teach children how to handle weapons of war. What about the violent video games our children play with? Parents need to be alert because the devil is looking for ways of stealing away the minds of our children.
WATCH THAT SLEEP OVER!
Are you in the attitude of dropping off your child with a friend, relative or neighbour during the holidays? Or you have gladly promised to send off your children for holidays with a relative so as to have a free time for yourself or allow them have a change of environment? Then you have to do such with extra care.
I recently had an encounter with a teenage girl who was purportedly raped by the son of a family friend during one of the holidays last year. She did not have the courage of telling her parents or any one because she was scared of ruining the good relationship both families had built over the years. Unfortunately, she has to bear the scar for the rest of her life. A teenager girl once told me she was scared of going back home for the holidays because her mum usually drops her with a family friend whose older son frequently makes sexual advances at her. In as much as it is fun for our children to spend part of their holiday outside the home, parents must prayerfully take such decisions with caution.
SUMMER CLASSES
Have you noticed that there are a lot of adverts on summer programmes for children this year? The good thing is that these programmes are not all academic in nature. Instead of having your child stay at home all day long in front of the Television, playing video games etc why not enrol them in any of the summer classes. Gladly, many organizations are organizing classes geared towards improving talents in children. Your child could attend classes in music, dancing, theatre arts, arts & craft, cookery and many more. Attending such classes will improve your child’s knowledge; help develop their social and interpersonal skills. A child’s potential can also be discovered or improved in such programmes. Children instinctively like being around other children, and this allows a great deal of fun along with some education too.
In fact parents may not realize the positive impact of these programmes on their children until much later, so go ahead and enrol your child for that summer class!
HOUSE CHORES
A friend over heard her teenage daughter telling her younger brother how anxious she is to get back to school where no one compels her to do any house chores. We had a good laugh over it! For the boarders, they must have forgotten what it is like to have someone telling them to do house chores. Children must be involved in doing house chores during the holidays. Parents can draw up a timetable or routine for cleaning, sweeping, washing the dishes, cooking, throwing the thrash etc.
TRAVELS AND TOURS
Children always look forward to taking a trip with their parents during the long summer break. Parents always love to take their vacation at this time as this affords them the opportunity of bonding with their children. Such travels either outside or within the country should be well- planned to avoid any hitches. Children can visit historical sites and other places of interest where they can have fun.
GET THAT MEDICAL APPOINTMENT
Have you been postponing your child’s medical appointment for some time? This is an opportunity for you to book an appointment for your child to visit the dentist, optician, paediatrician etc.
CREATE A READING TIME/FUN ACTIVITIES
Summer break should not mean taking a break from learning, especially when it comes to reading. Studies show that most students experience a loss of reading skills over the summer months, but children who continue to read actually gain skills. If your children are young, read a story out loud to them at this time. Older children can use this time to read on their own. If you can, try to model the importance of reading by picking a book for yourself at the same time. Parents can engage their children by getting them registered in a book-club or Library. It will also be amusing for younger children to have puzzles and other outdoor games at their disposal.
SPIRITUAL EXERCISE
The holidays should not be all fun, play, academics – parents ought to involve their children in spiritual exercise by feeding them with spiritual food. They can get to learn some memory verses from the Bible. Parents should devote time for the study of the word and prayer with the children. Give them the opportunity to speak out or ask questions during such times. Parents can provide good Christian story and activity books to make learning more interesting and attractive.
Let us help our children enjoy this long vacation as much as possible by engaging them in different activities that will help them develop spiritually, physically, psychologically, academically and emotionally. HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Contributed by Christianah Akindolie (Fate Foundation)

Child Sexual Abuse: The Top Five Warning Signs for Parents

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Warning sign no. 1: Drastic changes in child’s behavior
While behavioral changes in children can occur for any number of reasons, including such significant life events as the birth of a sibling, moving, divorce/separation of parents, or the death of a loved one or pet, it is still important to be tuned into one’s child and their responses to changes in their environment. Such behavioral changes may include marked aggression, over-the-top temper tantrums, or desire for isolation. For school-aged children, a significant decline in grades or other academic assessment markers may indicate that there is an issue. Child sex abuse victims “may also have difficulty relaxing, display traumatic fears, or show regressive behaviors. Your child may seem jumpy, panicky, or irritable and quickly cycle through these different mood states. Any one of these indicators alone does not equal sexual molestation, but when they are combined, the pieces begin to from a puzzle [that] may point to the fact that something is indeed very wrong,” according to Dr. Karen Hylen,Warning sign no. 2: Sleep disturbances
Dramatic changes in sleep patterns may also indicate a significant problem. “Your child may exhibit sleep disturbances, such as nightmares, bedwetting or an inability to sleep alone,” states Dr. Hylen. Fears of the dark, of shadows or of certain things in their rooms such as closets may also trigger sleep disturbances. While some of these in isolation may be normal in some children, combined, they should be considered a warning sign that something else much more sinister may be occurring. Sleeping too much (hypersomnia) outside of physical exhaustion from a busy day or high-energy activities may also be a sign of avoidant behavior and withdrawal.

Warning sign no. 3: Avoidant behavior and withdrawal
Other forms of avoidant behavior and withdrawal can also manifest in child victims. Dr. Hylen states that some children may “even lose interest in previously enjoyable activities such as socializing... It’s possible that avoidant behaviors may arise, where [the child] become[s] ‘sick’ when it’s time to go to school or engage in extracurricular activities.” This was true for Patrick Dati, a survivor, author, public speaker and advocate for anti-bullying and child abuse prevention out of Illinois. After being victimized as a child, Dati stopped wanting to play with other children, withdrew socially and became detached. Mr. Dati also formed a particular fear around the location (a local department store) where his assault occurred. Child victims may also form fears around the perpetrator, “not wanting to be close to or near their abuser,” says Jen Austin, another survivor, victims’ advocate and reporter from Idaho. Fear of places, objects and situations similar to or that might remind the child of their victim or assault is also common in child sex abuse victims.

It is also important to be aware of a reduction in self-esteem and signs of depression. Sometimes, withdrawn behavior is a symptom of depression, which may be the result of having experienced a traumatic event. Fear, shame and regret can lead to anxiety, depression and self-destructive behaviors as well. Because fear can cause a shift in the child’s behavior, “recognizing the signs early, is critical” says Sharon Grace, another victim’s advocate and the author of “When the Trust is Broken.” Additional signs of depression in children include significant weight changes; difficulty concentrating, thinking or decision making and feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt or wanting to die. The signs can occur together or manifest singularly.

Warning sign no. 4: Regressive behavior
Child abuse experts agree that behavioral shifts include such regressive behaviors as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting, particularly in children who have been toilet trained and stay dry overnight. Don’t become alarmed if the bed-wetting is a rare occurrence because of deep sleeping. Regressive bedwetting can also occur from other factors, according to the AmericaAcademy of Pediatrics (AAP), but should not be ignored. Other regressive behaviors include the fear of darkness, animals or monsters in preschoolers; and for children between ages five and 11, increased competition with younger siblings for parent’s attention, excessive clinging, inappropriate crying or whimpering and engaging in previously discarded habits. Any kind of “acting out” is the child’s method of reaching out for attention, states Sharon Grace.

Warning sign no. 5: Age-inappropriate sexual knowledge
Jen Austin also cautions parents to be wary when children exhibit a vast sexual knowledge that you did not give them – for example, after a talk about where babies come from, or who become very touchy, promiscuous or exhibit a sudden interest in body parts outside of the norms for the child’s age or developmental stage. Dr. Hylen also considers changes in sexual knowledge and behavior to be clear warning signs. She states, “Another big, red flag is an inappropriate level of knowledge regarding sexually explicit behavior for their specific age group, as well as behavior re-enactments of molestation with their peers.” Re-enactments might not be limited to peers, but can also occur during play with dolls and other toys.

As parents prepare to send their children back to school, it is important to be vigilant about this issue even as the news headlines move onto other topics. While parents should not necessarily operate in fear, it is as critical to know the five warning signs and be as aware of the dangers of the predator that you might know as it is to be aware of stranger danger, especially as children head back to school and back to sports and other activities. One critical thing to remember is that children often exhibit these behavioral warning signs well before there is other tangible evidence on the child of physical abuse up to and including penetration. To learn about how an ounce of prevention can be better than a pound of cure and what to do if your child or a child you know is victim of child sex abuse, stay tuned for parts two and three of this three-part series on child sex abuse

Newspaper Reports on Child Sexual Abuse

Psycho-sexual Impact of Sexual Abuse on a Child

Over the past several weeks or even months, there have been numerous stories, articles, and revelations of rapes and other sexual abuses of very young girls.

It was beginning to feel uncomfortable and perverse, as if it had become fashionable. It was the discussion on so many social networks and even though most of the responses by people holding those discussions were of outrage and condemnation of such acts, I was left wondering if people really understood the totality of losses involved in the savagery of the act.

A survivor’s emotions, behaviour, sexuality, attitudes and spirituality are all damaged. For many of the clients I see, sometimes the aftermath of their experiences is their reason for seeking therapy, even though their presenting problem may be quite different.

The survivors of sexual abuse have borne many losses. Some may be more obvious than others. Many report feeling ‘different’ from other people as if the abusive relationship sets them apart from others.

Right from the beginning of the abuse, the victim undergoes a crisis of identity and an ultimate loss of a sense of being normal or like being like everybody else. Another obvious loss is the loss of innocence. Survivors of sexual abuse are caught in a very complex and bewildering situation where they are trying to cope with adult experiences and feelings, but only having the resources of childhood.

They are not actually catapulted into true adulthood as may be thought, with its mature understandings and motivations. Instead, survivors of sexual abuse are caught in a no man’s land where they are confronted with events that they are not equipped to deal with.

The loss of innocence in childhood sexual abuse is physical as well as emotional and has repercussions at every level. Survivors tend to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them for anyone to have treated them in that way.

Sometimes, this belief is deeply buried and may resurface in self destructive behaviours such as eating disorders, drugs and alcohol abuse. Others may engage in promiscuity, become suicidal, or may find huge difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships. What is clear is the devastation sexual abuse causes to every aspect of a person’s attitude and life.

One way in which our psyche protects us is by repressing or denying truths or events which it would be unbearable to acknowledge. If in the right environment, feeling safe and contained, maybe with a counsellor or a trusted person, tiny fragments of memories of abuse might begin to surface.

Most people will assume that the abuse victim’s strongest feelings of betrayal and exploitation would be towards the perpetrator. However, from what the majority of my clients say, the strongest sense of outrage is directed towards the mother. Whether the mother is seen as having a direct part to play in the abuse or of turning a blind eye or remaining ignorant, survivors feel the mother had failed at performing her vital role of creating and maintaining a secure environment for her child.

For some survivors of sexual abuse, loss is a continuing experience. Though sexual abuse is generally thought of as something occurring in infancy or childhood, it is a perfectly valid term for unwanted sexual contact at any age. Victims of rape, sexual harassment in the work place, or sexual brutality within marriage could all be described as having been sexually abused. Their self esteem usually deteriorates, and they feel sullied.

Rape victims sometimes develop fears such as going out alone, and women abused by their partners can find satisfying, loving relationships hard to achieve or sustain. All these have their parallels in childhood sexual abuse.

The impact and their ramifications on survivors of childhood sexual abuse vary, particularly because of the age at which the abuse occurs.

The sense of powerlessness and of intimidation or menace, while quite real for an adult victim of rape, looms even larger for a child who has far fewer resources and coping strategies.

It is useful for family members or those around survivors of sexual abuse to bear in mind common psychological processes such as transference (where a person transfers an emotion meant for one person to another).

It is also important not to minimise the awfulness of sexual abuse, or to turn away from survivors or to try to deny how they are feeling. It is important that they feel able to express how they feel and for them to be validated.

culled from Punch Newspapers

What Will You Do When Your Child Is Sexually Abused or Raped- Because You Failed To Protect Him or Her with the right information?

Dear Parent/Guardian,

This is a letter that is not like any you have ever received or I have ever written. My subject is not pleasant, but it is serious.

My subject is Child Sexual Abuse.

If you have a child between the ages of 3 to 18 years of age; If you leave your child in the care of relatives, neighbours, domestic servants, drivers and other care givers so that you can focus on your 9 to 5 job; If you live in Nigeria; then this letter may be one of the most important letters you will ever read in your life!  Ask yourself:

• Do you really know the people in daily contact with your loved little ones?
• Do you know the child minders at the local day care center?
• Do you know the baby-sitter you employ?
• Do you know who your children hang out with in or after school?
• For single mothers with young children, how about that charming new 'daddy' to your children?

There is actually an alarming increase of the number of minors abused each year. In fact, every child, no matter how young, is vulnerable to child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse of children has become a global pandemic. A United Nations Report shows that in recent years over 150 million girls and 73 million boys under the ages of 18 are sexually abused every year.

This report gives thinking parents a course for concern. It should engender a responsibility for protecting children in every parent. Until now, there has been one major thing parents ‘do’ to deal with this dreadful issue of child sexual abuse (CSA): They can pray or hope that their child will not be molested or raped or sexually abused.

Unfortunately, ‘Hope’ is not a strategy! You will need to fortify your child with systems that can protect him.

Most sincerely, I urge you to read my letter carefully. It describes a plan that helps protect you against the danger of child sexual abuse. It helps to protect you against having the future of your precious one marred or destroyed by an ‘incident’ that could have been avoided if only you the parents had prepared him or her!

And yet the cost of this plan of protecting your child from the horrifying experience of child sexual abuse is low.

Why do you need to know about this? This couldn't happen to your child, right?

Unfortunately,  ANY child is at risk of sexual abuse. Hoping... denying.... pretending.... that this can't happen to your child is not lowering your child's risk of being sexually abused, and it does not prepare them to get help quickly and effectively if the worst does happen.

The reality of Child Sexual Abuse is a terrifying concept - but it is something that every parent needs to face because knowledge is power. The fact is that nearly every incident of sexual abuse is preventable, with simple steps that parents can take. Though parenting is the toughest job out there, it is also the area where one gets the least expertise.

What makes it particularly challenging is the fact that society looks forward to entrusting every child's safety and protection to the parents. Thus, parents should know first-hand how to deal with any kind of child problems and issues, including sexual abuse. This plan of protecting your loved one is embodied in an e-book, ‘Protect Your Child from Sexual Abuse in Nigeria’.  that will show you: 

•The harsh realities of child sexual abuse in Nigeria,

•explain the pain that child sexual abuse causes and the false beliefs that child sexual abuse create,

•how to recognize the warning signs

•How to keep a child safe from sexual abuse

•Who sexually abuses children?

•How and where abusers gain access to children

•Steps to healing where sexual abuse has already happened

•Celebrities that have survived child sexual abuse

• The nongovernmental organizations in Nigeria (and their addresses)

 that can help you deal with child sexual abuse when it has happened.

In fact, if you are parent desirous of seeing your child safe from the devastating consequences of child sexual abuse, you will need this e-book because a lot of research went into the publishing of this e-book.

Please visit www.cornucopiaebooks.com for more details.